Clicking with someone
Feelings… am I right?
What a topic.
For most of my life, relationships have been hard for me to understand. I tried, I really did and for a while, I thought I had them figured out. Turns out, I was wrong.
I’ve had a few short relationships, but nothing serious. Not the kind you’d introduce to your family.
Not because they weren’t great people honestly, I’m just… reserved when it comes to that sort of thing. I don’t really know why. My family’s open about relationships, even encouraging me to share that side of my life. But I never did.
Maybe I didn’t see myself with that person in the long run. But that’s not quite it either.
I’ve met people I liked people I was genuinely attracted to but even then, I couldn’t picture something lasting. I didn’t understand why. There was always this sort of disconnect, i remember feeling like without air, wanting to espace the situation. I thought I was broken and maybe I was.
Some of my friends told me, “Maybe you just haven’t met the right person.”
But how could that be? I’d met people who, on paper, felt right and still, no real feelings.
These are some thoughts I’ve had after I finally clicked with someone.
Let’s get back to learning for a second.
This isn’t really about coding or even relationships it’s more about learning in general. About that point where something confusing suddenly makes sense.
Think about learning how to drive.
At first, you’re just trying to survive.
You’re hyper aware of everything the pedals, mirrors, turns, speed, lights your brain is working overtime just to keep up.
Then one day, it clicks.
You’re no longer thinking about every little move. You just drive.
You can feel the car, anticipate the flow of traffic, and react naturally. What once felt impossible now feels almost effortless.
Eventually, you even start to know your usual routes.
Again, it click.
You recognize the pothole near the intersection, the shortcut through that quiet street, the tricky parking spot you used to avoid.
It all becomes familiar second nature.
That’s what the click is for me.
It’s the moment when something finally makes sense, when it stops being conscious effort and becomes instinct.
When the mind relaxes because it finally gets it.
But here’s the weird part.
Life works the same way.
We all experience it at different speeds. For a long time, I thought that click that shift where feelings start to make sense was something I’d never have.
And yet, here I am, thinking about someone a lot. So much that I catch myself imagining a life with her.
I’d be lying if I said I fully understand what I’m feeling, because I don’t.
But what I do know is that I feel tied to this person and that’s both amazing and terrifying.
Caring that much about someone feels right, but also a little scary.
How can something feel both comfortable and dangerous at the same time?
I’m not even sure this level of attachment is healthy. Should I really let myself care this much?
At first, I tried to suppress the feelings maybe even without realizing it.
I didn’t want to seem intense. I wanted to be that calm, “let’s just go with the flow” type of person.
But the truth is, I’m not sure what’s right anymore. This is all new territory for me.
What I do know is that whatever this is, it feels awesome.
And I don’t want it to end.
Trying to make sense of it all
How do I tell her how I feel when I don’t even fully understand it myself?
And if I do, should I really say it?
Let’s try to unpack what’s going on.
I care. I care a lot.
I feel… something. What exactly is it?
I want to be there for this person to hold her hand, to hug her, to share my days with her.
It feels intoxicating, like a drug.
I have this need to make the world better for her to make everything go her way.
I want her to be happy.
I want her to feel loved.
I want her to feel safe.
I want her to enjoy life.
And yet, how can I feel something so deep, be so close to someone, and still not know what’s actually happening inside me?
I even felt a burst of anger once while hugging her not a bad kind of anger, more like being overwhelmed by how strongly I felt. It was strange… and kind of beautiful.
This might sound childish, but in those early stages and honestly, even now it sometimes feels easier to joke and say, “I hate you,” than to fully admit, “I like you.”
Timing
I know this is just getting started, and I don’t want to get too deep into it.
Part of me feels like I need some kind of protection—to avoid getting hurt before things even have a chance to grow.
It’s not that I think she’ll hurt me. It’s more the fear of the unknown, of the uncertainty.
And this… this is exactly that.
I don’t want to put any pressure on her or on whatever this is.
I just want to keep it calm, take it as it comes, and enjoy the moment for what it is.
We don’t know where we’ll end up, but I hope we’ll find out together—or at least that we’ll both try.
So here I am.
A programmer who’s found someone special, learning not just code, but how to understand his own emotions.
And if you’re wondering what the takeaway is…
Let’s just say: Rust seems easier than this.
Maybe I should give that a try next.